Well after months of joking light heatedly about being somewhat alike the ‘Miss Carrie Bradshaw’ character that we all somehow seem to know incredibly well, even if we weren’t the girl who arranged coffee and cocktails with our girlfriends and snacked on cheese twisties and tim tams throughout the weekly evening airing of Sex and the City.
I assure you I was no die hard fan but as I have aged I can certainly see some similarities between the on-screen journalist and myself, Yes it has finally happened, I have discovered the ‘somewhat’ fictional character that I resemble, although not all bad that girl has some fun times, and enjoys cocktails on a much more regular occurrence than myself.
Tonight it hit me, as I sat furiously typing away into a blank email on my mobile phone fearful, of trying to not lose anything that was flying around inside my head, questioning every thought by logic and then having to filter through rationality, each aspect of what’s been on my mind was getting the full breakdown. And as many writers know – when you’re in the zone, your in the zone, it’s imperative to always carry a notebook and pen or a spare phone charger for the more IT savvy writer.
I sat and re-read what I had burned into that now not so blank email and reflect on if it truly brings the topic through in a digestible manner, and then I laughed at myself reading these words and coming to the conclusion that essentially I had written relationship advice.
Recently I have been approached by so many people around me seeking my opinion, my level-headed,non-bias look at their relationships and give them honest feedback.
Now, this in itself is beautiful, as it really shows that they are not wanting to just give up on someone that they couldn’t be more grateful for having in their lives. It’s just something isn’t quite working out, which I am sure everyone can relate to throughout some stage of their life.
And this is where we insert the ‘light-bulb moment’ and I make the very real connection between Carrie and myself, some aspects of her life more than others, for example – I lack her stylish fashion and everything within her wardrobe! This is mostly due to the current JFC (Jess’s financial crisis) coupled with the lack social events or date nights, this girl simply doesn’t ever have the occasion to slip into a pair of heels, let alone a dress.
But the initial joke began because somehow among my crazy life I managed to find my very own Mr Big, instantaneously I dubbed him ‘Big’. (hindsight is such a beautiful thing, as they say ‘what you put out there is what you shall receive!) From the Big lovable, smooth personality right down to the commitment issues, left overand the shut down on communication it couldn’t be a more accurate fitting, I guess that makes the both of us.
These relationships that we create with people who have commitment leftover pain from their previous partners are undeniably hard and difficult at times when that person is unconsciously causing you more pain than the love you have for them it’s tempting to walk away, and more often than not we do!
But it’s never quite over yet, is it? No!
Before we even know where we left our toothbrush upon the swift exit outta there were back again! Laying next to this person who even though they can’t physically say it their expression, the glint in their eye or the way they hold you says it all, and the swift exit is as quickly repelled from your thoughts as once it came.
Sound familiar to anyone? It’s the Push and pull relationship.
Yes it’s something I’m sure many of you can identify with, it’s the crazy thing that happens between two people who have fallen for each other but live in absolute fear of the previous pain that is branded deep within them.
A pain that was in no way caused by the new person within your/their life but unfortunately this new partner dose receive the raw end of the deal when you’re trying to heal yourself and not be governed by those past pains.
The push pull relationship is something that many of us have experienced and had to attempt to work through with our significant other or been the one attempting to deal with the ‘fear’ emotion while learning to not allow it to cause ill effects on the other.
So how do we love again without the pain?
It’s an extremely simple process in theory although the reality can be slightly more complicated.
However difficult, painful or timely the healing process is its not as bad living the rest of your life with these blockages.
My personal recipe for the healing needed to recover emotionally from a toxic and painful relationship was;
Time – Yes, we all need time to step away from the emotion and look at the situation and the person we were with to establish a few thing’s to help you move forward positively with your life.
Be willing to self accept – Self acceptance is HUGE, but I can tell you that once I had made that choice to see that even though my actions were only a re-action to the behaviors I was receiving from him, and I had a choice to make every day we have a choice to either allow their behaviors get to us and cause us pain or we address them straight away and give them the opportunity to understand how and why we feel the way we do.
Empathy – This for me was being able to see that my ex was who is was, he was never going to change and that’s ok because that’s a reflection of who he is, not who I was or am.
Inner peace – Don’t worry I still have to pull myself up on this one.
But this is about living in the now, not in the past dwelling in the victimized mindset where the pain still causes you to act in a way that’s untrue to you.
This is being able to sit in traffic patiently, this is being able to take your shoes off and run on the beach feeling every grain of sand under your feet, this is being able to look back – reflect- take your teachings and move forward.
The best thing you can do is live with gratitude and even if something didn’t work out thank them for their part in your journey as you are wiser and grateful for the experience.
For those of us who are with someone still learning to let go, that’s a hard and rewarding task and you need to understand very quickly that the person you met already had this baggage, it was not caused by you. Therefore do not feel hurt, pain and anger when you receive poor treatment from your partner, make them aware that what they are doing is a potentially a pre-programmed behavior or reaction, attempt to work on it together.
We forget that no matter how hard we try we all slip sometimes and we need to be reminded that we are, allowing emotions to rule us or we are being negative or we could be swearing too much, whatever it is we are only human we can’t always get it right, and that conscious reminder to help us should be our partner because we generally receive thing’s like that better from a partner than a friend or family member.
So how do you move forward with this person? Trust, Communication, Respect, Understanding, Openness but of course FUN! Keep having the same fun you use to have before the baggage came up or at least try.
And who know’s maybe, Mr or Mrs Non Committal may one day put a ring on it.